i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
