I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
