Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
