Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
