I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
