A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
