I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
