Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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