We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
