Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
