you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
