New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
