The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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