you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Randomize
