I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
