I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
