I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
