It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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