Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
If I die, sorry about rent.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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