i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
