I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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