When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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