Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm bleeding and have questions
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
