I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
