I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
