no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
So. Much. Porn.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
