I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
