Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
