I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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