I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
