90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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