found the other keg... it's in the tree
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
