Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
