a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
