dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
