Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
