when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
