Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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