"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
