I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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