Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
