someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Randomize
