I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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