I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
pop tarts are not kleenex
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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