Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
