I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
