does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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