I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
