i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
