The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
