I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
