tell your sister to shave her snatch
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
