You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
