By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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