I murdered the dance floor call the cops
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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